Thomas the Ladies' Engine
by Red5T65
Summary: This quick oneshot is a theoretical discussion I think the "big three" (Gordon, Henry, and James) would have about Thomas' love life. Because c'mon, who wouldn't?


"I say, you two! Thomas should NOT be having this much luck with the female engines," groaned a _very_ pissed off Gordon to Henry and James, "You know what I say it is? It's DISGRACEFUL!" "DESPICABLE!" put in Henry, joining in on the _long_ -standing tradition. Finally, James ended off with: "DISGUSTING!" as he obviously would. "To think that Thomas, little F*CKING _THOMAS_ , would have such luck makes absolutely no sense whatsoever." Gordon was now fuming, and was by this point wanting to shove a full line of trucks into the ditch he had fallen into all those years ago. "Actually, I think…" Henry nervously put in. "You think _what_?" Gordon replied, angrily. "I think he sort of, well, deserves the attention." Henry finally stated, after building up the courage to do so. "Wait a minute, Henry, did I hear that right?" James asked, now very confused, "Thomas, F*CKING _THOMAS_ DESERVES _ATTENTION_!? HENRY YOU SON-OF-A-B*TCH!" James, along with Gordon, was now fuming, his face now as red as his shiny paintwork. "CAN I MAKE MY POINT YOU TWO BLUBBERING IDIOTS!?" Henry finally snapped. "Thomas, UNLIKE YOU TWO (and, to a lesser extent, me) IS ACTUALLY A NICE ENGINE!" "But he's cheeky and rude! How is that supposed to be 'nice' in _any_ sense of the word?" Gordon, now confused, asked. "Well, since you asked, Thomas knows when and where cheekiness can be either gotten away with, or actually be beneficial. Unlike us, because I'm a bit of a worrywart, Gordon, you're too big for your wheels _and_ your buffers, and James, you're narcissistic. There. I said it. Now would you two kindly shut up so I CAN F*CKING SLEEP!?" Henry finally answered.

The next morning…

"Apparently we're not supposed to go out today, because the Fat Man heard us bickering and decided we needed to be shut up again. I wonder whose fault that is…" Henry asked the other two, albeit _very_ sardonically. "Alright, fine." Gordon finally spoke, admitting defeat. "Well then, let's talk about Percy, shall we?" "Yes! Great idea, Gordon!" James put in, before going on, "Percy also has a knack with women. How, I'm not sure, but I think it's because everyone thinks he's _cute_." "Well, what can we say?" Henry finally asked. "Well, do either of you remember Mrs. Kyndley's daughter's wedding?" "No, can't say I have…" Gordon said. "Me neither…" James added. "Also, what was her name again?" Henry asked. "June, wasn't it?" Gordon answered. "Well anyway, according to Thomas, after the wedding reception, you know what happened?" "Well, since we don't remember the wedding, why don't _you_ tell us?" Gordon put in, snarkily. " _Apparently_ , Percy got a F*CKING PECK ON THE CHEEK!" "A 'peck'? What's _that_ supposed to mean?" James asked, before it clicked: "Oh wait. OH NO F*CKING WAY!" Needless to say, James was fuming. "The peck wouldn't've happened to be from June Kyndley, would it?" Gordon asked. "Oh you can bet your tender it was. Percy blushed, too, which makes it even worse, because June, the *****, probably thought he was mildly infatuated!" Henry shot back. "Well at least Thomas being a ladies' engine means Rosie is _completely_ obsessed with him, the yandere. C'mon, we all _know_ Rosie's a yandere." James said, trying to brighten up the mood. "You got a point there, James old boy. One shudders to imagine what obsessive, cruel thoughts run amok within Rosie's smokebox." Gordon had to agree.

Suddenly…

"Hey you three stuck-ups! I'm BACK!" Thomas shouted to the three in the shed.

"Oh no…" the three great tender engines muttered to each other.

"Still pissed that I have a love life?" Thomas probed in his cheeky way. "Well guess what? I've discovered a neat trick!"

"What is it, little Thomas?" Having had their attention peaked, Gordon asked Thomas about his so-called "neat trick."

"If you concentrate a little bit, your buffers'll turn into hands which you can extend to grab stuff with. Or tickle. Speaking of tickling…" Thomas trailed off. "Hey Lady, you mind coming over?" "Anything for you, Thomas! _Anything_ …" Lady replied rather creepily.

"So Thomas, now what are you going to do?" James asked sarcastically.

"Oh, Thomas, stop! Not in public!" Lady cried out in alarm. "Oh come on, it's not _that_ bad, is it?" Thomas replied rather cheekily.

"Wait, Thomas, are you doing what I _think_ you're doing? Because that's messed up!" Henry said as he tried to intervene, but to no avail.

Eventually…

*WHEEEEEEEEEEEEESH!* "Oh… that felt amazing, Thomas…" Lady managed to eek out before slipping into unconsciousness. "Well now, Thomas. That was… interesting, to say the least." Henry finally spoke up. "Glad you liked it! Now look at what was underneath Lady!" Thomas replied. The three engines complied, before realizing what it was they were looking at.

"Is that… LUBRICATION OIL!? WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK, THOMAS!?" Gordon finally snapped. "That's just a by-product. Happens naturally when you do that. Don't ask why. I don't know." Thomas replied, before gently pulling Lady back into the sheds (specifically, the sheds Thomas had first used while he was building the NWR, which were underneath the current branch line sheds) to have some more "fun," if you catch my drift.

Meanwhile, inside the mainline sheds…

"Well that was… something." James said, matter-of-factly. "Let us never speak of that occurrence again." Gordon stated. "Capiche?" "Capiche." The other two engines replied. At that moment, Pip and Emma glided in. "What have you three been up to? Nothing strange, we hope." "Oh, nothing, you two. You should really rest. We've got just the trick for that…"

"Oh really? What is it?" Emma asked, innocently. "We'll show you!" the three now _very_ horny tender engines replied. "Wait, what are you doing with those? Stop it! Stop! HELP! AIEEEEE!"

Unfortunately, there was nothing either Class 43 could do to stop the onslaught of pokes and prods at their undercarriages, while the three tender engines laughed hysterically as it went on. Anyway, that was an experience, don't you think? I'll be off now, I think I'm scarred for life. BYE!


End file.
